Who Are You?

I have spent the last twenty years of my life trying to figure out who I am in the world and the purpose for my existence. I don’t think that I am going to be able to define myself in terms that others will completely understand today, but for the first time, I do believe I have found coherence in my being. I, Benjamin Stelly, am a product of the stimuli found within the world around me. In particular, I find the intimate, personal connections with those around me the predominate source of who I am.

The video I put together is a compilation of short video clips and pictures of individuals who have influenced me the most over the last year. Each person has a designated group they belong to (i.e. family, high school friends, theater friends, and architecture friends) and a specified color: red, green, blue, and grey, respectively). The intent was to not only demonstrate how these people independently interpreted the question of “Who is Ben, or What does it mean to be Ben”, but also to provide a visual representation of the spherical influences of these assigned groups.

The first thing that I had each person do was complete the sentence “Ben is…” as concisely as possible. This limitation of brevity was placed to ensure that the word, or words, chosen fully articulated the essence of who I was in their eyes. Just to make it clear, this project was not for others to define who I was for me, but simply acknowledged that community and interpersonal relationships have been key determinants of my own self-actualization, as displayed in my goal and passion papers. Once I filmed each person, I asked them to paint a piece of the canvas in the color I designated for them. In a way I hoped that the creativity of the task allowed a freer explanation of the same question. For those who found deciding on a word difficult, painting was very simple, while others felt exactly the opposite. The last thing I had each person do was say the words “I am Ben” in order to explicitly state the intent of the piece: the people around me directly affect who I am, and each is a stroke and color of the larger painting. I am very pleased with how the final product turned out. These people who I have come to know mean more to me than the menial term of friend; they truly are a part of me.

I became intrigued by the concept of making this video for two reasons. First, in Brian Banks’ ethics paper (P3), he opened discussing how the different personalities around us are like pieces of a mosaic, and the beauty lies within the tolerance and acceptance of the different colored tiles coming together to form a work of art. My aim was to take a variation of this by implementing definitive guidelines: specified colors (although the final painting, however structured, is not comparable to a mosaic). The second source of inspiration I found was in a theory that I have been writing about since my senior year of high school. I wrote both my senior spring semester thesis and my college entrance exam essays on the quote by Louis McMaster Bujold who said, “My home is not a place, it is people”. I find these words just as, if not more, appropriate today as they were one year ago.

Twenty Years - Augustana
In the past year there have been more moments of joy, sadness, anger, and confusion (to only name a few) than ever before. However, I have never been so content with the way that I lead my own life to this day. I have learned time and again the importance of relationships whether they be familial or friendly, for these are the people who know me best, and the shared compassion determines the kind of life that we are able to pursue. I started the semester in my Voltaire’s Coffee having prepared reading Happiness: a History, a book that detailed the progressive nature of different cultures and their view regarding fulfillment and success. I left the discussion with a newfound sense of respect for others and a heightened awareness for personal maturation and individuality. We as individuals are given the gift of life, so fragile and precarious but full of hope and intrigue. The way that we chose to capitalize on this opportunity is - to me - our most definable trait.

My name is Benjamin Johnson Stelly. I am nineteen years old. I am love and hate. I am acceptance and repulsion. I am power and weakness. I am friend and enemy. I am dreamer and noncommittal. I am a contradiction. I am a hypocrite. But, above all, I am alive. I know that I will never be the best at any one thing, and that my flaws often times overshadow my talents. The people whom I surround myself with offer just as much insight into the person who I am as I can try to express with words. The intricacies of each personality sew the skin of my being, and their generous offerings of sharing their lives provide motivation for my existence. Each of my friends and family members paint with a different color and with a different brushstroke, but the canvas and the image that they have created is in essence: me.







Word Count: 900 (Approved by Bump)







Twenty Years by Augustana Lyrics:
Well I've been running from something
Twenty years in my car
Down a road that's leading me nowehere
Yeah we drive through the farmland
No one knows where we're from
Could I kiss you and make you a queen?
Or something in between

Do you want to see
The place where I am free?
Cos in my mind I need it
But you're nowhere near to me

Move to new york city
Take your woman by the hand
Leave her there with your things on the doorstep
And there's no way around it
Could this be our last dance?
So fall asleep with the tv darling
I'll be back again

Do you want to see
The place where I was free?
Cos in my mind I've been there
And there's no one here but me

In the morning it'll find you
Let the light shine away
Down a road that's leading me nowhere
And there's no way around it
Could this be our last dance?
Just fall asleep with the tv darling
I'll be back again
I'll be back again

"It wasn't saying goodbye, it was going forward, and going to improve."

One of the difficulties of life that has become apparent in the last couple years is the inability to say goodbye. As human beings, we attach ourselves to others. We root ourselves deeply within others, and at times we have to face the inevitable precariousness of life.

As morose as it sounds, I sometimes try and validate my relationships with others by thinking about how I would feel if they were to die. I say this because death is the ultimate end. It is a time when words become meaningless, and emotions take over. For a long time I tried to deny myself from loving, and I realize now how foolish that was of me. To love is to give yourself over to others, and yes it is vulnerable and it is scary, but the trials of such actions make us who we are as individuals.

I know that I have talked about it before, but over spring break a lot of things hit me and made me reevaluate how I interpret the gift of life. Before senior year, my father passed away, and I feel like I am still going through the emotional grieving process and its repercussions. I had a conversation with one of my closest friends a couple weeks ago about the events that happened that summer, and I can’t help but be overwhelmed by feelings of not doing enough to express my gratitude and love for the man who gave me life. The process has definitely been taxing on me, but has opened my eyes to living as progressively as I can.

With love comes pain. Siddhartha experienced this whenever his son left him. The love of protecting his son ended up hurting him in the end. Vasudeva tells Siddhartha that “[his] son was spared because [he] loved him and wanted to keep him from suffering… but [he] would not be able to take even the slightest part of his destiny upon [himself]” (113). Its funny to me that as mature as I feel in my current state, I am constantly reminded in situations like the one Siddhartha was forced to face how immature and naïve I am to the world. In the last year, however, goodbye’s for some reason have become fairly common.

Last summer was the first time I faced an identity crisis of sorts. I found myself at odds with different groups of friends who both demanded my attention. I realized then that love has boundaries. In order to save yourself from the pain of overexerting your love, like Siddhartha found himself doing when he said that he “preferred the suffering and worries of love over happiness and joy” just so that he could be with the boy (110). We all face the difficulty of loving with bounds, and part of that is understand that we each live for ourselves first and foremost, and it is not justifiable to decide what is right for others.

This summer I hope to move to New York for the chance to finally experience what independence has to offer. It has been hard to tell my close friends that I may not be here for the summer, and things will be different, but at the same time is a necessity that I realize I must do for myself. In doing so I have been able to “see people living for themselves, see them achieve an infinite amount for themselves, see them travel, wage war, suffer and infinite amount, and endure an infinite amount” (121) like Siddhartha comes to terms with after his son leaves.

I hope that the experience is worth my time, and even if it happens to not be what I imagine, I know that it will be an opportunity for growth that I have both wanted and needed. We are all allowed that.

Who Are You?

“You bring the meaning to life. The meaning of life is Whatever you ascribe it to be. Being alive is the meaning.” - Joseph Campbell

The movie Into the Wild to me is a really good example of the topics that we have discussed throughout this year: Diversity, Conformity, Individuality, (Animal Ethics included). I referenced the film in my P1 about how I someday hope to be able to find the strength to be my own person and give some clarity to the meaning of life. The latter of this has been something that I have given a lot of attention to, and recently have started questioning the correctness of such worry.

This year I have learned a lot about what it means to be an individual amid a sea of other humans trying to better themselves through obtaining higher education. Like Siddhartha, “I have gotten to know people and places, I have received kindness and trust, I [too] have found friendship” (66). As I focus my writings more and more on understanding myself fully through my relationships with other people, it has become apparent (to me) that maybe I am a much more superficial person than I seem to think. I had one of those ‘mindboggling’ conversations with two of my friends a couple weeks ago about how each of us viewed human existence and the reality of life. I noticed that I kept “wanting to live, to act, ad to enjoy [life] instead of just standing by as a spectator” (69), while my friends tended to go along for the ride, benefitting from this greater spectacle. At times I don’t know which is the more mature of the two choices, or why I even need to know.

I found the section of Siddartha entitled ‘With the Childlike People’ very interesting. Siddhartha, this docile, seemingly omnipotent individual comes out of hermit-like life into contemporary society that does not know exactly what to think of him. Upon meeting Kamaswami, a town merchant, Siddhartha is questioned about his decision to live a life without possession to which he answers “Everyone takes… everyone gives what he has. The warrior gives strength, the merchant gives merchandise, the teacher gives lessons, the farmer rice, the fisherman fish” (62). I have always felt that I have something within me to give the world. I know it sounds corny, but I feel what I have to offer people is something I am compelled to do, yet I do not even know what it is I possess that others don’t. Its possible that this too is my superficial view of the world, but it is what motivates me to be the best I can, and find some substantial grounding for life.

The fact that no one does know precisely why we live has always been a hard pill for me to swallow, and I wonder if I have been trying to conceive of this grander image of the world and the life I am waiting for, while “life [has] passed by without touching me”. Most of the time I blame my uncultured past for this insatiable need for more, and is why I am planning to experience more this summer by figuring out a way to spend my three and a half months probing my inner being for answers.

Our discussion of Eastern religions and traditions has given me insight on how to approach mitigating my view of defining existence. Instead of worrying like a westerner about the “presence of what is at every particular moment” which only results in “a feeling of discontentment and emptiness” (285), maybe I can give more attention to practicing some of the laws of Ahimsa that provide strength, virtue and eventual realization without the need of analysis and approval.

“The greatest discovery of any generation is that a human being can alter his life by altering his attitude.” - William James

The scene above is probably one of the cheesiest moments in cinematography, but nonetheless an important one. 2 minutes and 10 seconds into the clip Tom Cruise, who plays Jerry McGuire, a sports agent numb to emotional attachments makes a revelation that, I too, have realized. “We live in a cynical world” is what he says, and to paraphrase: we live in a world so of full of negativity that we are jaded by the slightest glimpses of happiness. Obviously, this does not apply to every individual, but has been something I notice on a daily basis in my life.


When I go to sleep at night, I often feel like Siddhartha “cultivating the seed of discontent within himself… feel[ing]… love wouldn’t make him happy forever, wouldn’t bring him peace, satisfy him, and be sufficient for all time” (7). This feeling of discontent has been present in my life as long as I can remember. No matter where I am, or what I have done, obtained, or accomplished, that feeling of success is not enough. As I look back upon my waking hours I find a trend, and an answer for why this may be: negativity is omnipresent. In studio, as Russell made me aware last week, countless hours are WAISTED belittling others, or cursing the existence of teachers and the useless projects that are assigned. Back in my dorm, I find it hard to enjoy myself because of having to accommodate my space in order to share a room, or whenever I am with friends, there are always problems. As in Siddhartha’s case, “everything [is] a lie, everything stank, everything stank of lies, everything feigned meaning and happiness and beauty, and yet everything was decaying while nobody acknowledged the fact. The world tasted bitter, life was agony” (16). As much as I try to tell myself that I am positive, I have constant reminders around me that prove that optimism false. Saturday, I was talking to a friend who goes to a different university, and without realizing it, I began to undermine what they had to say, and constantly say things just to feel better about myself. Today (in studio of course) I was told directly that I complain too much. There was a time that I was fun to be around, and I wonder if I have lost the capacity to enjoy and entertain.

I make this my formal apology to the world and those around me; I WILL CHANGE! As the chance to define myself in p4 approaches, I beg the question: What will make me happy, Who Am I? As Siddhartha embarks upon his task to better himself he searches similar things. The realization he comes to is “the ancient spring must be found in one’s own self; one must own it! Everything else [is] just a search, a detour; it [will] go astray” (9).

Friday, I went to a yoga class for the first time in 8 months. As the end approached I found myself not wanting it to be over; Friday, I was reminded of the days that I was content. I routinely did yoga throughout my senior year of high school, and attribute a great deal of my sanity to it. That hour I am forced to relinquish my body and mind from the trivial, miasmic negativity in my life. I am in no way justifying my laughter and mockery of our class’ meditation practices, for I have found grounding in it. Yoga is a gentle recognition of the “radiance of clear thought” that I have begun to find (5). I felt like a Buddha again, able to “meditate this deep disease of life, what its far source and whence its remedy. So vast a pity… such wide love… such passion” (X241).

To me, the world is not that bad, but for some reason I cannot help myself but to focus on the negative and be irritable. I do not want that to be the statement I make on the world, for it has so much to offer. Just as Russell criticized Siddhartha, I think that Govinda makes a similar claim: the world, although mundane at times is a spiraling upward circle, not to be rested upon but to climb (20).

8 a.m. tomorrow I return to studio a changed person. Architecture is the study of the purpose driven art, and will once again be not a fountain of jeering language and wasteful words, but, as Siddhartha is awakened he realizes a world of beauty and color. There IS a “purpose for there to be here yellow, here blue, there sky, there forest, and here” Ben “on the path to himself” (40). Life is cynical at its roots, but this is not the focus. Individuals have the ability to choose the path on which they roam, and the attitude one has greatly influences the mirage. Don’t panic, we live in a cynical, though beautiful world.

Dont Panic - Coldplay


Coldplay “Don’t Panic” Lyrics
Bones, sinking like stones,
All that we fought for,
Homes, places we've grown,
All of us are done for.

And we live in a beautiful world,
Yeah we do, yeah we do,
We live in a beautiful world,

Bones, sinking like stones,
All that we fought for,
And homes, places we've grown,
All of us are done for.

And we live in a beautiful world,
Yeah we do, yeah we do,
We live in a beautiful world.

Here we go, here we go

And we live in a beautiful world,
Yeah we do, yeah we do,
We live in a beautiful world.

Oh, all that I know,
There's nothing here to run from,
'Cause everybody here's got somebody to lean on.