“We grow neither better nor worse as we get old, but more like ourselves” - May Lamberton Becker

Top of the World - Patty Griffin
I have always wondered why making and keeping friends has been a difficult task. There has been an overwhelming trend throughout my adolescent life to amount and move on. What I mean by this is as soon as I learn enough about a person, and feel that there is nothing more for me to gain, I lose interest and hasten upon the pursuit of finding another to fill the void of a past friend. I live in a paradoxical world where, for some reason, I have inverted the ‘golden rule’ in order to merely satisfy my own needs and advance my own benefits and agenda in the direction I see fit. This is the problem that I have only recently begun to unfold and truly search through myself for answers.

As I begin my investigation of a life worth living, and living correctly, I must first face what I have come to know about myself. Time and time again the claim has been made by those around me that I have a tendency to over-analyze situations and the people in my life. It was not until recently that I was able to understand and grasp the slightest hint at why I pick apart others’ personalities and habits for the sole purpose of exposing one’s flaws. I hold people to such high standards, that it is impossible for an individual to ever be glorified in my eyes. Not only do I uphold these requirements for others, but also for myself, and therein lays the problem: if I am not able to amount to the principles that I set for others, at what point will I be able to appreciate anything less?

College to me was always the glimmer of hope that I saw while still in high school. It would, hopefully, be a chance to reinvent everything that I disliked about myself. Unfortunately, I did not get into my school of choice, and felt that by attending the University of Texas I was settling into a lifestyle of everything that I had previously known. To my benefit, attending a university in Austin, the city I was born and raised, has opened my eyes more to the things that I need to focus on in myself: my emotional intelligence and appreciation.

Over the course of my time here at UT, I have noticed that I have not really explored the depths of what relationships with others, those of whom I have NOT been well-acquainted, have to offer. I keep most people at a very safe distance from getting to know who I truly am, and play the part of someone who I think others will like, but still hold grudges against those that I do not know. In looking more closely, this mindset has challenged me throughout the last ten years. People tell me that my taste in movies, music, humor, and plainly my acceptance of others is jaded because I am inclined to veer away from what is considered the norm, or commercialized by the masses for my desire to be unique. Ironically, it is the peculiarities and differences I recognize in myself that prompt me to put up these walls against people and material things. Emotionally I try and hide my feelings from myself, and therefore am unable to cope with how I project my feelings outward.

I hope to, and have already made attempts towards moving away from the detachment of others by being more accepting, and exuding trust and companionship in those who I am close to. For me, it was a slap in the face not being able to move away from home, and everything recognizable, and instead of pursuing a life that I desired; I slowed my advancement of personal growth by holding onto the comfort blanket of preexisting friends and activities.

It has not been a simple task so far, but something that the more I explore the more I find areas for improvement. My propensity for pleasing others before acknowledging my own human desires and needs has thwarted the sort of things that I do. Furthermore, before I am able to make a decision I normally face a fork in the road at a point where analysis sets in. Which direction to go? Who will I not please? What will happen if… the list is endless. These questions and my inability to act for myself hinder my emotional growth as an individual.

In the last week, I have made strident efforts towards finding personal motivation for the things that I do, rather than waiting for outside approval. My hope is that by heightening my awareness for my own emotional readability I will soon become a sounder individual, able to appreciate and find compassion for things that I generally would stray from.

I attribute a lot of my personal faults to being raised in a competitive environment in various aspects of my life. For as long as I remember, I have vied for attention from my parents (being the youngest of three), from my friends, and from my teachers. This constant need for approval and recognition has eliminated any self-worth that I find within myself. For that reason alone, I try and remove competition rather than acknowledge what other individuals have to offer. More pertinent, I turn any conflict of interest into irrational one-upping in an emphatic attempt to surmount the opposition.

I believe that competition, in its most basic form, was conceived in the school of architecture. From the first day of class, sharp glances cut into the faces of the meek and vulnerable. It is the capitol of passivity and pretention, and this environment has tried every facet of finding self identification. Alliances were formed last fall, but have been tested in this new spring semester, where studio spaces are now occupied with enemy militia. It is within these walls that I find my appreciation and emotional awareness to be tested the most. The enemy comes in an array of forms: Caucasian, African-American, Asian, Trendy, Nerdy, and Intellectual to name a few. In any case, someone is always better than you.

The competitive aspect of architecture is only enhanced by the vagueness of the projects assigned. Trying to discern the context of the assignment is always confusing, and thus far in my ‘career’ I have been unenthused by the prospect of beginning a new design, drawing, or composition for fear that my peers and critics would disapprove of what I have most vulnerably exposed on display. This week, I have begun to implement a pivotal change of mind in order to further my success and emotional well-being. Previously, I would pass off reviews from my peers, and sometimes professors as only amounting to what they possess as aesthetically or compositionally appealing, and not necessarily to have any affect on further iterations of my own project. In regard to my peers in particular, I have felt that often times I can be overly critical of their work only to make my own seem a more appropriate solution to the same problem.


Monday morning in Design we had a review session of the first half of our “Light Project” assignment. Instead of being steadfast and unwavering towards the criticism, I decided I should embrace the suggestions and offer more positive feedback for the betterment of the whole. I have learned that appreciating outside input is more important than weighing my success over the successes of others’, and by contributing in a constructive way promotes a more positive atmosphere for everyone.

Lord Byron said, “The great art of life is sensation, to feel that we exist”. I have thus far lived a life in the desperate hope that others will be accepting of who I am, and have lived more out of fear than out of embracing what I have to offer. Success is my phobia. Success is my greatest flaw as a human being. I exist, but focus more on the impact of my existence than enjoying the road of life. It is time to explore the sensations found in the world. Socrates’ makes a very decisive argument in saying “the unexamined life is not worth living”. As I transcend the life that I have been comfortable with for sometime now, my newfound realization and execution of being a more emotionally aware and personally accepting individual will allow me to not only appreciate the beauty in others and my community, but further my investigation of self realization.







Word Count [without quotes]: 1400