"When you want something in life, you just gotta reach out and grab it." - Christopher McCandless

A Passion for Finding Community

I have spent the day searching for what to call my “passion” in life. I thumb through the examples of projects from previous years, trying to think of something innate to my being, like saving the planet with sustainable living or helping cancer plagued children, that drive my every move. I sit at my desk attempting to decipher what in my life has substantial meaning, something that I find so enthralling that I can fill up the space with an outpour of an emotional rendering. Now, as I look up to my bulletin board filled with pictures of people who inspire me to perform to my very best ability, it has become increasingly clear that it is within those relationships that I find my sincerest passion: the sense of a communal respect found in the relationships with others.

Growing up, I am sure others, and myself at times, viewed me as that “floater” kid: that lonely individual who never had a solid group of friends. Be it known, I always had a group that I associated with, but underneath it all, I never felt completely accepted, nor did I completely want to. There is a thrill that I find in meeting new people, and the fear of not knowing has been the motivating factor encouraging me to become an individual well suited for the modern world.

I would say, and have been told time and time again, that I am a very DEPENDENT person. As an adolescent, I had an incredibly close-knit family. My mom, dad, and two sisters did everything together – travelling, eating, attending weekend softball tournaments – forcing us to spend the majority of our free time together. This is the principal reason that I feel the need for closeness within everything that I do, whether it is orchestra, sports, or basic friendships. Even as I sit here studying I am surrounded by others whom I can ask for help at any time. Through experience, I can say that this is the antithesis that is Benjamin Stelly. This dichotomy serves as both my greatest strength, and defining weakness.

Taking a survey of the last eighteen years of my life, the friendships that I have made have been predominately superficial until the last three years. Middle school provided the stereotypical awkward encounters with friends who only were interested in those who wore Abercrombie & Fitch, or those involved in the athletics department. At that time, I knew that these were not people whom I necessarily wanted to have life long relationship with, but they taught me a lot, intentionally or not, about the person I wanted to become. Freshman year of high school was another time that I was thrown into the confused world of making friends, and sifting through the options of who to “connect” with. I played football, and therefore associated with the jocks, and assimilated my thoughts and actions as to uphold that image. By the end of the first semester, I had quit the game due to the backstabbing political nature of both the “teammates” and the coaches.

The end of freshman year and the onset of sophomore year was a difficult time as well. My dad got sick, which threw my world off balance. I compensated by expressing my anger and frustration in the wrong ways. I hung out with people who encouraged doing things that I had no interest in. I never submitted to any sort of peer pressure, but constantly being in that situation nagged at my sense of self, incessantly. It was then that I knew that I needed to make a change. Ironically enough, it was not until I faced a genuine threat to what I had recognized as my life that I began to find that solidification.

The person who I am today is a direct result of the friends that have stuck through the hard times with me. Half-way through high school, I found a group of friends in which the relationships worked flawlessly. The dynamism of our friendship is primarily due to a significant amount of good fortune; however, a lot of the fundamental companionship has been the product of individuals who all were looking for the same thing: compassion. These people and their relationships have drastically changed the person that I have become, and will continue to shape the way that I choose to live my life. Having seen the positive effects of an encouraging (not to mention comforting) community has prompted my interest in looking at what it takes to create a positive group dynamic.

The change that I worked for, and eventually found within myself during sophomore year was the ability to recognize my own flaws. Once an individual can submit to the dangerous notion that they are not perfect (and never will be) THEN they can find harmony in others. In my English class that same year, we read The Stranger by Albert Camus. The book follows a young man, Meursault, who has no concept of what society deems appropriate, and simply feels no emotional tie to anything. At all. Interestingly enough, I had a conversation with my friend recently who argued how he found a strong personal connection to this character, for nothing conjured up any particular reaction within him. There was a time in my life that I felt much the same. I did not necessarily care how my actions affected others, and went about my daily business without any emotional pull towards the things that I did. I realize now what a dry life I had been living.

There is a similar, more contemporary work that expresses the same notions. In 1996, Jon Krakauer compiled the diary entries of a young man named Christopher McCandless who spent his life in remote isolation searching for what significance the world had to offer him. Two quotes from the movie Into the Wild, which was released in 2007 and based upon the novel, ring true to the way that I view my life:

“The core of man’s spirit comes from experience”

Ever since I saw the movie six months ago, this quote has come to mind on an almost daily basis. It connects to an idea that was presented to me last year. There is a school of thought that argues that an individual is most clearly defined by the five closest people they associate with. I find it very intriguing to evaluate who I am, and what my values are, as a unique citizen of the world, and compare those with the people who I feel closest with. It is also a reason that I take interest in forging new relationships, whereby I am constantly changing and forced to reassess what it means to be ME. There is nothing more naïve than someone who accepts things for what they are, because that is what was designated by the precedent. In addition, I try to take in everything that I can, and learn from every aspect of life. There is nothing that I value more than learning, and the passing on of knowledge, combined with the experimentation and trials of finding out things on my own.

“Happiness is only real when shared”

As much as I appreciate the times that I spend discovering by myself, I have to compliment that by sharing my experiences. The second quote examines: one cannot find contentment or fulfillment without basking in his joys with others. Last year, during the Austin City Limits Festival, I was able to see Damien Rice who is my all-time favorite singer/songwriter. I was there with a group of my friends, none of whom had any attachment to liking his music. When the concert started, I felt as though I was experiencing a spiritual sensation unlike anything before. I was so excited to be in that current state, screaming the lyrics that had run through my mind so many times; yet, at that instance, felt so much more powerful than ever before. Two years earlier I was able to see Coldplay, a close second to Rice on my list, at the same festival, however the experience was not as emotional. I enjoyed the concert, nonetheless, but can only think that having my friends there with me made the concert.

I have spent a significant amount of time in the last couple years trying to decipher what it means to live a successful life, and these two quotes sum most clearly articulate conclusions that I have come to. Finding people with whom you can share yourself and experiences with is something that I have found a sincere passion for. I know that the relationships that I have with others have provided significant meaning to my life, because I give them so much attention, and I am willing to give myself over to others, under scrutiny and open to vulnerability. I believe that in the end, this can only lead me to be a better person, and by sharing this excitement with others, eventually benefit them as well. 

Word Count:
Total: 1506
Without Quotes: 1492

Blog URL:
www.ofmiceandben.blogspot.com